tabulas.com

just got home from TRP, the annual college-based variety show. for the past weeks, we've been doing nothing but practice. thankfully our schedule wasn't that hectic after neuro (we're taking up OS 206 right now, The Abdomen)..plus we had lots of free time for research, so basically my past weeks was so un-med.

highlights:

1.  i participated in our class production. our costume: a glowing yellow grass skirt (we used blacklights =D) haha! it was fun preparing for it because the steps weren't so complicated (except for the counterclockwise 3-kembot turn thati had to make-- i know how to do it clockwise, but for some reason i can't do it the other way...i have theorized that it must be because when i was young it had been discovered tht my right leg was shorter than my left. but then when i've asked other people i found out that many can do it one way only. :b so i guess i'm still normal and it had nothing to do with my alleged shorter right leg.)

2. when i was coming out of the stage to the backstage, i tripped on an amplifier which for reasons i don't understand was sitting in the middle of the entrance. it was chaotic-- when i tried to stand up my grass skirt was all tangled up with my feet so i had a hard time regaining my balance.to make things worse, our part wasn't over yet and i was supposed to go back the stage a few counts after we went out. so i was a little delayed. but it's okay. that's what makes life more interesting.

*later on i found out that my friend also tripped on the amplifier, but she was injured worse-- she literally did a somersault because of the notorious amp.

3. i also joined Agape's handmime presentation. what's s amazing is that i didn't feel too confident about our performance this time around (we didn't have lots of time to practice ulike last year), but the crowd seemed to have enjoyed it very much. God always has a way of reminding His people to depend on Him for everything.

4. i was assigned to the soprano 1 section of our class chorale, which was very weird (and difficult) for me because in HS i was in the alto section.but it was a great learning experience.

that's just about it. hmm, i don't understand why, but i feel kinda sad right now...maybe because i didn't get to watch most of the performances? the feeling is just...wrong. i guess everything ended so quickly and i didn't have the chance to take it all in. nevertheless, i had my share of happiness this evening, though it's different from what i've anticipated. 

---

i've realized that as much as i would want to be unorthodox, i am just a sucker for archetypes and happy endings.

i've also realized the severity of my being a control freak.

and that some poeple are pretty good at sending mixed messages. :b

i was reading something when Christian, the 4-yr old son of our helper who is living with us, approached me with a face that was about to break into tears and his index finger raised with something reddish brown on it. And then I saw that there was also a big drop of this reddish-brown fluid on his foot.

Not understanding it completely but already feeling a little nervous, I called mama, but she was on the phone and so I asked Ian what happened but he won’t say a word and so I stared at the fluid and it dawned on me that it was blood.  I called Mama to attend to him (I know it was impolite to do so because she was on the phone but I was already panicking) but she told me to call papa instead. And so I called Papa, but he was in the CR. and then I remembered that I am a medical student and that it was just a little wound and that by now I should at least be able to handle things like this. And so I told Ian that I will wash his wound but he wouldn’t budge because he said it would be painful and he was asking for a Band-aid instead. I said that it was necessary to wash the wound but he still wouldn’t move. I thought of carrying him to the CR but I felt that he was already too big for me. Actually I think I was so paralyzed by my own fear that I cannot move either. And so I called his mom to wash it instead.

When I accompanied them to the CR I realized that I was feeling nauseous and that I was already losing my sense of hearing and that my vision was spinning, and then my brain told me “Uhoh tina you are about to faint again.” I went straight to my room and lay down and reminded myself to breathe. Thankfully I didn’t faint because then this would be my second time to do so because of the sight of blood.

Right now after about an hour has passed I am still a little wobbly and spaced out. I can’t help but worry about what will happen to me when we finally get to the clinics. I had always been afraid of blood and this is one of the reasons why I am very hesitant about going into med school— I do not know if I would be able to handle it. I was hoping that this fear had already lessened (for some reasons I felt that I was braver now since I didn’t feel anything weird when we had to extract blood during our intarmed days or when we first encountered our cadavers.)—perhaps I have grown braver, but I still haven’t specifically conquered this fear.   

As soon as I regained myself, I texted some friends— I guess I was looking for an affirmation that this is very normal and that I will overcome it someday. Thankfully, I got the ego boost that I was looking for. But the ultimate question continues to linger in my head: what if I CAN’T overcome it?

A friend told me to commit it to the Lord. And once again, I am reminded of the prayer I made before I entered the Intarmed Program, that I would surrender everything to Him, even my weaknesses, if this is His will. I wouldn’t let this fear defeat His purpose, especially now when I am beginning to see what I can do in this profession….

My will is in proper perspective. I just hope that it can convince my physiologic reactions to do the same, too…and soon.     
  
  

last Saturday, I went caroling with some of my researchmates. Actually we went to four homes only, and two of these were my groupmates’ (the other home we visited was that of a groupmate’s relative) and what we did was technically not “caroling”— for the first part, we danced— or more accurately, made silly movements—to the tune of “Kumukutikutitap.” Actually we originally planned to sing, and then we decided to put some actions. When we finally finished the choreography, we realized that singing and dancing simultaneously was beyond what our powers and meager practice time (i.e. 30 minutes) can handle, and so we decided to just “dance.” Anyways, we have a very impressive singer in our group who can salvage our dignity afterwards. (by the way, one of my groupmates even made yellow crowns for us…haha)

The first home we visited was that which had no relation to any of my groupmates (and thus the scariest). The family was very accommodating — imagine, they were kind enough not to laugh at our faces even if we ourselves knew how absurd we looked like! (Actually in our performance here we attempted to sing and dance, but there were parts wherein we forgot the lyrics…so so embarrassing!) Mr. Castañeda, the lolo of the house, was exceptionally warm and jolly— he even threw a joke before we started, perhaps to make us feel at home. When my groupmate was delivering his solo rendition of “A Christmas song,” Lolo Castañeda was also singing softly, with eyes closed— a sight that melted my heart. Before we left, he played a little game with us (he made us think of a number, multiply it to another number, and then divide it with a third, and then said he would guess it. And then he wrote something on a piece of paper and asked someone to read it— “correct” was written on the paper) and was so elated that he was able to trick all of us. After we left, a thought crossed my mind-- I would like to visit him again and just surprise him and sing more songs for him. He is the type of person who is not difficult to love.

The other homes were also very kind to us, and our night was filled with laughter (and all sorts of sweets) When it was finally over, all of us, though extremely exhausted (because we did some research work before we went caroling), agreed that we would like to do it again next year- in fact, every year- as a sort of tradition.

The next day, my groupmate texted to inform me that Mr.Castañeda had died that afternoon. It sounded like a big cruel joke…he seemed so healthy when we were at their house…but it was for real. I was so stunned at the idea that we were probably one of the last people he has shook hands with in his lifetime. At least, I comforted myself, we were able to make him happy on his last night.   

The weird thing was, my groupmates and I were talking about death a few hours before we went caroling. I was sharing to them an incident at my uncle’s wake a few years ago— my cousins were playing cards inside the room designated for the bereaved family, when a flower landed on the shoulder of my niece, who was sitting farthest from the door (and thus farthest from the flowers that were beside the coffin). While we were talking, something bright red flew in our midst— it turned out to be a petal. We do not know where it came from since we were inside an air-conditioned room.

While we were practicing for our performance, my classmate’s mom and helper told us to hurry up because Mr. Castañeda was anticipating our visit, and that he just came from a dialysis so he needed to rest early.

---

a painful fact that occurred to me because of this incident:  death is unstoppable. even during the Christmas season. while the whole world is celebrating, some people are grieving. And there’s really nothing we can do about it.

On second thought, there is something I can do— share to the living the Gift that God has offered for them. That way, dying wouldn’t have to be the end of everything, but the beginning of eternal bliss.

watched spellbound at the araneta coliseum with my family. it wasn't as fantabulous as we expected. it was very short, and the tricks they did were not so varied (i.e. they kept on doing disappearing and cutting acts). maybe a circus show would be more fun, with lions and flying trapezes.

nonetheless, i sorta envied the talents of the performers. i think i would like to be able to do some magic tricks myself,or be a contortionist. =D