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i've just finished playing [with] Aslan, my cello. still wanted to play but my fingers (especially my left thumb) and arms and back hurt terribly already...but i'm not complaining at all, because i know that this is part of the process.

i want to reach the level at which the cello would no longer be a separate entity, but an extension of myself. i used to tell some of my friends (when it was still a dream) that the cello is my soulmate, that there is something in me that could be expressed only through him, that i am handicapped until i learn the instrument. i also felt that he would be a great companion as i would be entering med proper next school year. at the time i didn't know where or how i'm going to get the resources necessary for that fantasy to come true, but i told myself that i will not die without learning it.

but now it is real. what used to be a dream i can now touch and see and hold anytime i want to. (thank God my savings from a scholarship was enough to buy me one.) honestly, i sometimes get scared that this might be just one of my passing fancies and that one day i would suddenly lose my passion for him. but when i get to hear him "sing" to me, i know that i did not commit a mistake in empyting my savings account and now practicing endless hours and getting callous fingertips and body aches to be with him and learn his ways. it's been only a month since i started taking lessons, and i know that i'm very far from being "one" with him. but it's okay-- i'm taking my time, learning how i ought to strike my bow so that he will sing beautifully and then someday, he would be able to sing the song of my soul.

the heart can get really deceiving. sometimes it tells you that you've already overcome something that has taken hold of you for so long and even makes you feel a certain kind of peace and freedom for having been released from such imprisonment. and then, that something appears again in your paths and your heart suddenly holds its breath without any warning (and without your permission), and all you can do is let out a sigh, and laugh at yourself for having been fooled.

and then you stare hard at that something, convincing yourself that it isn't as good as it looks, that you never did really love that thing, but rather fell for the wrong notions that you had of it. your heart nods in agreement, and you regain composure and feel thankful that you are too logical to be swept easily.

after five seconds, the benefits of your self-talk expire, and the heart forces you to admit the painful fact: you did love that something. you can't deny it-- you have to admit that you are sick before you can get any medication.

aren't we humans so weak? we don't even have control over this little mass of muscle. thankfully, mine is now occupied and controlled by Someone greater than all the heart's inconsistencies. though i still get tricked sometimes, i know that He is now at work in it, making the necessary renovations. 

oh dear, that "something" i was talking about has again, for the nth time, strayed into my world...

but as always, it feels a little different than the last time...i feel stronger to face it now. (or is this again a pretense put up by the heart?)

sheesh, i've been "sick" for so long...i wonder when the medication will finally put a complete end to this malady...

could it be that something in me is keeping myself from getting healed? perhaps a lack of faith, or even willpower?...

whatever it is, i hope that it will just let me go. i am tired of being like this.

hay, hindi ako makapaniwalang nagpaka-superhero na naman ako. hindi ko naman sinasadya. at hindi ko rin ginusto...kung pwede lang na talikuran nalang ang nangangailangan ng tulong. marami namang ibang tao na pwedeng tumulong sa kanya...

bakit ko naman ilalagay ang sarili sa panganib? ilang beses na itong nangyari...parang nakikita ko na nga ang kalalabasan ng episowd na ito-- malamang, ako na naman ang uuwing sugatan at luhaan.

pero kahit na takpan ko ang aking tainga nang hindi na marinig ang kanyang daing, hindi ko kayang tiising hindi sumaklolo. pangalan ko ang tinawag niya; kaya dapat ako ang tumugon. hindi na mahalaga kung ilang pangalan pa ang isinigaw niya; ang mahalaga, tinawag niya rin ako. ibig sabihin, naalala niya ako, at para sa kanya'y kaya ko siyang tulungan. sapat na yong kabayaran. 

kaya heto na naman ako, dali-daling tinakbo ang distansya sa pagitan naming dalawa na ako rin ang mismong lumikha (at Diyos lang ang nakakaalam kung paano at gaano katagal ko itong iginapang) upang mapunasan ang kanyang luha at hawakan ng mahigpit ang kanyang mga kamay, nang  maibsan nang kahit kaunti ang sakit at galit na nadarama niya. hindi ito ang panahon para mgsentimyento sa mga nangyari o hindi nangyari, sa mga pagsasawalang-bahala, sa mga sariling pangarap na hindi nagkatotoo o sa kung ano pa man. tama lang na tulungan ko siya, dahil kaibigan ko siya.

siguro ganito talaga tayong mga nilalang--  hindi inaalintana ang masamang pwedeng mangyari sa sarili, mapasaya lang ang mga minamahal.

Nagmeeting kami kaninang umaga sa Crossroads, it's sort of like a sem-planning for Agape. mejo nagulat at natakot nga ako nung sinabi ni Ate Juvs na pinagppray niya ako to be one of the heads of the Secretariat, eh napaka-disorganized ko pa naman! ang weird na iba pala ang perception niya sa akin. anyways, i committed to take care of the responsibility of the org's accreditation and directory, pero sa follow-up/members (?) committee ako mgseserve after. naeexcite ako sa idea na kami yung mag-aalaga sa mga people na biglang hindi na nakakapunta, gusto ko kasi yung ganun, i mean doing little things for those people to show them that we miss them, that we care for them. ang saya kasi gusto ko talaga yung ng-susurprise ng mga tao by doing something special when they least expect it (duh tina kaya nga surprise eh), basta yun. sana magmaterialize yung mga ideas ko, weeeee!!!

hala, andami ko pa palang kailangan gawin....haaaayyy!! andami ko pa palang plinanong pasayahing tao this summer, pero hindi ko pa nagagawa...tsk tsk. dapat magawa ko yun before school starts...sayang yung opportunity. ang hirap talaga pagka bakasyon, yung oras ko nauubos nang hindi ko namamalayan, nakakainis! kulang talaga ako sa disiplina....but then again, at least nakapagstart na akong mgcello. at yung plan kong magwork this summer, in a sense natupad din naman since may tinutoran ako. kaso yung plan kong matuto ng basketball at ng isang type of dance, hindi natuloy. kung sa bagay, hindi naman pwedeng pagsabay-sabayin yun. ang gastos din, tapos bibili pa kami ng med books and instruments ngayon, may uniforms pa pala! exaj! ay ewan! basta kulang talaga ako sa disiplina...

pagkauwi ko kanina, natulog ako for about four hours, kaya pagkagising ko, gabi na naman. kaya tuloy ngayon gising pa ako, tas bukas mahihirapan na naman akong magising. ang gulo na talaga ng sleeping habits ko, patay na once school starts. waaaahhh, parang ayoko pang pumasok. next week nga puro orientations na rin, so practically two days nalang ang bakasyon ko. waaaaahhh... kailangan ko pang pagnilay-nilayan ang mga mangyayari sa akin. grabe, ganun-ganon nalang yon...feeling ko kakapasok ko palang ng college, pero naka two years na rin pala ako. and in a week's time, panibagong yugto na naman. wala na talagang atrasan (wala na nga ba?eheheh)

parang sasabog na ang utak ko sa dami ng dapat kong isipin. feeling ko may kailangan pa akong iresolve na mga bagay-bagay sa sarili ko bago ako tumungtong ng med, ewan ko kung ano, basta feeling ko meron pa rin (as though hindi pa enough yung isang katutak na "pagreresolve" na ginawa ko over the past two years.)

pero bukas na ako mag-iisip. inaantok na ako eh, baka iwanan pa ako ng antok, pag nangyari yun, eh di mag-iisip na naman ako. i wanna spend a whole day with God...kailan kaya pwede? wala naman na ata akong time umakyat ng Prayer Mountain, eh dun lang ako talagang nakakapagfocus. chaka hindi ko kayang pumunta ng mag-isa dun. ayokong ngcocommute mag-isa, lalo na pagka kailangan sumakay ng bus (actually hindi naman sasakay ng bus pag papunta dun, pero malayo din yun eh. basta yun na yon) kanina pala sumakay ako ng bus kasama yung helper namin papunta dun sa Back to the Bible where i met with chaochao para sumabay papuntang crossroads (hindi ko kasi alam san yun), mangiyak-ngiyak ako na natatawa nalang rin. kasi hindi namin nakita na puno na yung bus, so pagsakay namin, nakatayo lang kami. e ang bilis bilis pa naman, buti pa sa LRT constant yung speed e dun hindi mo malaman kung bakit ganun, parang tataob na nga yung bus e. tas kung nakaupo na ako finally, yung katabi ko nalaglag pa yung ulo niya sa antok, buti hindi naman yung sobra, kaya mejo natatawa pa ako.

matutulog na talaga ako. goodnight.

I feel terribly sad. too sad that i don't think even playing with Aslan could express it, much more take it away. all my energy's been zapped up, consumed by an ugly black hole which came from who-knows-where, causing my world to suddenly spin in slow motion.

"there's nothing to fear." "since God put me in this, He will get me thru this." These words came from my own mouth in an effort to assure some intarmed classmates who are nervous about entering med school that, in fact, there's really nothing to worry about. (and for those encouragements to have come from a fellow classmate who has had considered and attempted to shift out of the course numerous times must have sounded pretty weird.) but now, after having seen the list of medical books and instruments that needs to be bought (and later read and used, which is the scarier part) and attended two orientations (actually, one and one-fourth because i came in super late for the second orientation) sponsored by the fraternities and sororities in our college, all the walls and fences and gates and barricades of confidence and security and assurance that i had built seemed to have cracked...again.

i'm trying to sort out my thoughts right now, but i can't seem to do so properly because i'm partly distracted by the music i'm listening to, but i don't want to turn it off anyways. maybe because a part of me doesn't want to think NOW, while the whole household is still awake. i don't want them to see me break down again; they've seen too much for the past two years already, and just one more might freak them out and who knows, cause them to force me to shift out of my course (even when i'm not really asking for it) because of the seemingly endless torture that it is giving me.

to think that i haven't really started with the real thing yet. dang. sometimes i get this feeling that the reason why i never seem to get settled where i am and find direction for my life is because i will not live that long. no, i don't have suicidal tendencies-- perhaps it's only one of the desperate attempts of my logic to explain why, when God placed me here, He didn't give me all the assurance i would need. (and it's a nice thought sometimes-- i mean dying when your life is still very promising, when the consequences of your decisions haven't reached payback time, when everyone in the wake could only wistfully think of "what you could have become" without really realizing that you would probably not be able to fulfill all their expectations of you if you have lived a "full" life.)

but of course, i know that that is not the explanation (it's more like one of those scenes that has been borne of my grossly romantic thinking.) i know the answer to my own question-- the reason why God didn't give me all the assurance that i will need when he placed me here is because He wants me to learn to trust and depend in Him. and for someone who has done well in whatever she has put her mind and heart into in the past, depending on Someone is often difficult. i'm not used to feeling helpless...

it sure is painful when God starts to break our stubborn necks. but i don't really mind if i know for certain that this uncertainty is really a test of faith...what scares me most is the idea that the reason why i'm feeling all this is because i made a wrong move somewhere (e.g. checking that tiny, seemingly harmless box in the UPCAT form.) but then, if i did make the wrong move, i know for certain that God is not cruel to let me suffer so much because of my stupidity or incapability to discern His will clearly.    

so it still boils down to faith. i have tried to do what i thought God wanted, and i know that He honors my heart. and now I will just have to hold onto Him as he unfolds the pages of my story. Difficult, but I have no other choice.  There's no other way to live than to trust in my All-knowing and loving Lord.

hmm, i feel a little less sad now. maybe all i needed was a refocusing of my attention from my dark future into God's beauty.